So What's So Challenging?

Today is the last day of Courtney's Completing Him Summer Challenge.  And the question she is asking us today is,  "How did it change you and how did it change your marriage?"

There're so many things that I learned... simply because I focused on learning.

I learned that I need to let go of unspoken and unrealistic expectations.

I was reminded that I must love him without reservation.

I was humbled by the fact that the Lord always hears my prayers for my husband.

I pushed myself to affirm and admire my husband with my words even though it is still out of my comfort zone.

I learned that I cannot allow the problem to be solved be more important than my husband.

I was reminded that no matter how difficult it may seem - I must always follow my husband's lead (I learned a lot of lessons that week).

And as I allowed myself to be open to the Lord's correction - it became easier for me to respect him not for the things he does or does not do - but for the leader that he is in my life.

The main thing is that it helped me refocus from all the things I want my husband to be and do for me - and focus instead on what my role is, where I fit in our relationship, what I can do to make it better.

Let Him Kiss Me With The Kisses Of His Mouth

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth."
(Song of Solomon 1:2)

I hear keys in the door.


Down gets slammed the laptop... and I rush into the hallway... for a kiss ;)


Our schedules are crazy and often I am not home when Bryan comes back from work.  But I have resolved that whenever I am - I will run to him and kiss him at the door telling him how glad I am that he is finally home.


That little resolve has done a lot for our marriage.


Passion...  often semi-forgotten in the shuffle of life and familiarity of living with someone for some time now... restrained to a well-defined time of the day and area of the house...


This is often how marriages fall apart.  And you and I both know that a falling apart marriage does not always have to end in divorce - sometimes just co-existence.


Our husbands long to be longed for.  It boosts their self-esteem like no dinner or washed floor ever will.  When they see that we desire them, long for them - they can conquer the world.


So if you're married today - make your husband a priority - and kiss him like you mean it!!!


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On a side note: we are starting day camp today.  Will you please lift it up in prayer as hundreds of children will come for a day of fun and an opportunity to accept Jesus.  The main focus of our chapel time is HOPE.  Often they find ourselves in seemingly hopeless situations - and we need them to know that when that happens they need to seek God instead of losing hope.

Oh No! The "R" Word Again...

I grew up in a household where everything had to be earned. Bringing home an "A" was not enough - I had to stay at the top of the class. Being second was simply not acceptable.

I am grateful for that because I developed a spirit of excellence where nothing but my very best would be enough. That carried me through many times and brought success to my career.

I am used to earning things. Earning a position, earning honor, earning respect. And I feel like everyone else should earn theirs fairly.

That means - when I got married - I expected my husband to earn the respect due to him. Whenever I felt like he was making the right decision - I would respect him. Whenever I disagreed - I didn't.

Respect can mean so many things but I loved the definition I found on Wikipedia, "Respect denotes both a positive feeling of esteem for a person or other entity (such as a nation or a religion), and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem." It's not just a feeling - it has to translate into how I treat my husband.

Courtney's challenge this week was to respect our husbands. It did not seem difficult at first. She said, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T! No complaining, criticizing, rolling your eyes, nagging, or giving him any friction this week. Enjoy a week of peace in your home!"

Whew, done, over. That was easy! Ha ha - anything is easy for a week - the real challenge is to keep it going for a lifetime.

Let me share another thing I read. "Respect should not be confused with tolerance, since tolerance doesn't necessarily imply any positive feeling, and is not incompatible with contempt, which is the opposite of respect." (this is again taken from Wikipedia)

The Bible commands all wives, "let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:33). King James Version uses the word, "reverence". The word used in Greek is 'phobeo' where we get the word phobia from meaning fear (in later transcripts 'phobeomai'). The Bible is telling us to be in awe of our husbands, to fear them exceedingly (not as in being scared of them but as holding their opinion in such high regard similar to our understanding of 'fearing God').

In modern day culture women often tend to take the lead in their families (and they grow weary fighting battles that are not theirs to fight). Women feel like their husbands do not step up to the plate - and consequently lose the respect due them by the order of the Word of God.

We must be careful to lay aside every thought and understanding of marriage that is instilled in us by our culture, or by the family we grew up in - and dig deeply into the Word of God to find out what He wants. Amazing things will happen!

Your husband should not have to earn your respect

just as you would not want him

to make you earn his love.

(Courtney from Women Living Well)

Asking For Directions

"If we ask it directions, it could ingest us and spit out our bones."

(Marlin from Finding Nemo)

I don't know about you - but whenever we get lost driving somewhere it takes me no longer than five minutes of aimless driving to say, "Honey, why don't we just stop and ask someone for directions?". As women we often make men the subjects of many jokes about their gender-specific resolve to simply figure everything out by themselves.

Sadly if we take our jokes outside of the contest of driving – women are often the ones who fail to ask for directions. Directions from our husbands as to where we are going with our lives, our families, our children, our jobs, our future.

Instead we are subtly manipulating our husbands to make the decisions that we consider the best at the time.

I have only been married for two years yesterday and I am still learning to take directions from my husband. My biggest battle - which I believe many strong Christian women are dealing with today - was "What if the leading will never happen?" What if when I do ask my husband for a plan, he just stares blankly and says something in the lines of, "I do not know, why don’t we decide what’s for dinner first".

Through the mistakes made earlier in my own marriage as well as the observation of many other couples, I have learned six valuable lessons on following your husband's lead.

Lesson 1: Do NOT take it upon yourself! One very important lesson to learn is that the moment you take the initiative and take upon yourself the job of leading your family – you may never be able to give it up and your husband may never step up to the plate.

Lesson 2: Pray. Pray lots. Pray often. You can never underestimate the power of prayer or the work of the Holy Spirit in the life of your beloved.

Lesson 3: Submit. You may give your input but whenever your husband does finally make a decision about your life – you need to submit to his guidance.

Lesson 4: Praise him. It is important to affirm your husband when he makes a right choice. That will boost his confidence and encourage him to lead you more.

Lesson 5: Give him room to fail. At times your husband may make a faulty decision. You must give him room for error and forgive.

Lesson 6: Have faith. Have faith in your husband's abilities to lead your family (even if a faulty decision had been made earlier). Believe in your husband. He knows whether you genuinely think he can do it or if you're just expecting him to fall flat on his face. But what's even more important is that you have faith in your God. Whatever the circumstances were that united your husband and you with the bond of marriage - you are married now. And that is a sacred thing in the eyes of our Lord. Have faith in God and trust Him to carry your family through any challenges if you follow His principles of submission.

Do you struggle with any of these? I sure do. What will you do to help your husband lead you today?

A Problem To Be Solved

“Never let a problem to be solved

become more important than

the person to be loved.”

- Barbara Johnson

Today is Week 5 of Courtney's Completing Him Summer Challenge and we're talking about prioritizing.

My mom has always been my example in homemaking. She has managed to fully run our home while holding a full-time job. She always made home-cooked meals. Our house was always clean. And as a new wife I had expected to face the same obligations. My hectic ministry schedule put a lot of pressure on me to have everything under control. I was stressed and despite all my effort it did not look like my husband was impressed by my efforts. Thus I learned early in our marriage life that things that I consider important are not so crucial to my dear husband. And I am trying to be careful to be mindful of them.

This week's challenge reminded me of my early marriage days: Make a list of 5 things you currently do and ask your husband to prioritize them for you of what is important to him.

I have opted to go a different route. Instead of making a list for him, I have simply given him a blank sheet of paper and a pen. After agonizing over it for 2 days (who would've thought it would take that long) he gave me back the result.

I was shocked.

Only one of the things on the list had something to do with homemaking - and that was dinner (hey the way to a man's heart truly does lie through his stomach). The other four had nothing to do with the requirements, chores, or obligations. They can all be summed up into one phrase: SHARE LIFE.

As we were discussing his list, Bryan looked at me and smiled. "Helen," he said, "all I want you to understand is that I am more important than anything you're doing for me".

That made perfect sense.

It does not matter how clean my living room is if it comes at a cost of being happy to see him come home. It does not matter how neat everything is put away when the smile on my face is missing. It does not matter how hard I try to manage his life if in the process I forget the very person I am doing it for.

I want to encourage you with the opening quote for my post. We cannot allow the problems we're trying to solve to become more important than the people we love and do them for.

On a side note - this applies to ministry life as well. How often do we allow ourselves to become so consumed with the ministry activities that we do that we are no longer enjoying it? We are no longer serving out of the overflow of our hearts. We are so consumed with the preparations, and schedules, and programs that we run ourselves into the ground - not even finding half an hour to spend with the Lord.

If you're getting frustrated with your marriage or your ministry - maybe it is the time to look at what you do and who you're doing it for and reset your priorities.

What is important to the one you love?

Sorry For The Cheese :)

"Admire = to have a high opinion of; esteem or respect."

OK, so if you know me at all - you have to know this about me:

On a level of 1 to 10 my skillfullness in Words of Affirmation is...

Negative Seventeen [deep sigh]

Yes, it's true. I am not good telling people what I appreciate about them. Ironically, I am married to the man whose main proverbial love language is [drum roll please]... yes, indeed - Words of Affirmation... [even deeper helpless sigh].

It's not that I do not love him or do not notice the little (and big) things that he does for me... it's just that I feel weird and awkward... even insane... saying it. And knowing that he needs me to say it - still does not help.

Last Thanksgiving I wrote him a list of all the things that he does that I am thankful for. Here is that list:

- you love me and take care of me

- you pray for me and with me

- you are always there when I really need you

- you bring me Starbucks

- you’re never too proud to say “I’m sorry”

- you want to spend the rest of your life with me

- you open the doors for me

- you carry heavy things

- you make Thanksgiving turkeys

- you are quick to make peace

- you love me even when I have bad attitude

- you come on Sidewalk with me

- you always assure me that I am beautiful

- you always make sure I have water on my nightstand

There’re so many reasons… even as I pasted this list into this post I could think of few others…

But I think the most important one would be -

YOU MAKE ME BETTER!!!

You encourage me to see the best in people.

You set an example by forgiving those who hurt us.

You reach out to others even when I feel that they've used up their chances.

You are compassionate, gentle, loving, and kind.

You stand up for what is right.

You are moved by injustice and suffering.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home,

and let him make her sorry to see him leave.

(Martin Luther)

Speechless... (Unexpected Follow Up Post to He Has Not Turned Away My Prayer)

I am humbled today. Speechless.

I know that God answers prayers. I do. I am a children pastor, after all.

I know that when you pray God can move mountains and obstacles. I've seen it (even in my own life before).

I know that there is absolutely NOTHING impossible for God. I believe it.

But today... My praise and gratitude get stuck in my throat. I am overwhelmed. I have nothing to say. I am amazed. Grateful. Slightly embarrassed. Surprised. Speechless.

On Monday Courtney from Women Living Well encouraged us to ask our husbands how we can pray for them and do so daily. I did ask (see my post here) and I did pray.

I prayed for God to give my husband wisdom to make the right choices - and I have already noticed how he was becoming more decisive when I needed him to be. I prayed for promotion (we were hoping in September) but already this Friday Bryan received a phone call from his supervisor about setting up his promotion interview within the next few weeks.

I am ...

... grateful ...

He Has Not Turned Away My Prayer

This is Week #3 of Courtney's Marriage Challenge (for the explanation of the challenge - read here) and this week's challenge is PRAY for your husband daily.

The title of my post "He Has Not Turned Away My Prayer" comes from Psalm 66:20. Isn't it wonderful to know that He will not turn a deaf ear when we cry out to Him! And before I receive criticism from those who seemingly received no answer to their prayers for healing, for restoration, for salvation of loved ones - I also had times when my heart was shattered by seemingly unanswered prayer (even recently) - but today I still say, I trust His wisdom more than mine. He knows what He's doing in my life.

I asked my wonderful husband last night how I can pray for him and he asked for 2 things only:

1) Wisdom to make the right choices for our family

2) Promotion

So these are the things I will commit myself to pray for daily.

Courtney has a very extensive list on her blog of things you can pray for when you're praying for your husband (taken from "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian) as well as a suggestion of using your wedding band as a reminder to say a quick prayer for your husband.

As you read this post - would you please say a one sentence prayer for us as well as we seek to please our Lord with our lives and ministry.

Love Without Reservation

Almost 2 years ago in July 2008 Bryan & I looked at each other and gave each other a promise to love each other as long as we both shall live.

Two years have passed... and even in those short two years we have had occasional moments when we felt like our marriage was not working right. But we gave each other a promise to to stay by each other through the good times AND the bad. Many young couples make a mistake thinking love is that strong irresistible passion, that uncontained drive to be with each other. But love is bigger than that. Love is what stays when all else fails.

Here's what I said to my husband on our wedding day:

I, Helen, take you, Bryan, to be my lawfully wedded husband, secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner in life, and my one true love. On this special and holy day, I give to you in the presence of God and all these witnesses my pledge to stay by your side as your faithful wife in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times and the bad.

I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve all of your goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you as long as we both shall live.

The one part that hit me (and is still a challenge for me) is "to love you without reservation". I am honestly convinced that I have worked my way through all others pretty well so far. But what does it really mean to love my husband without reservation?

That means getting off the computer when he comes home.

That means going places where he wants to go.

That means sitting on the couch with him at the end of the day.

That means NOT doing things that I consider important (looking forward to July 12th challenge)

Oh yes - and it does mean occasionally eating out at Dallas BBQ [sigh].

Our senior pastor and the founder of our ministry Pastor Bill Wilson always says, "Marriage is never 50/50. It should be 100/100". I give 100% and my husband gives 100%. That is what will make our marriage successfull.

Most importantly, for me to love my husband without reservation equaled to love him and cherish him with my 100% without expecting his 100% back.

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If you live in Portland, OR area - here's the web page of our wonderful photographer (who even came to New York for our wedding) - http://www.memorybookphotos.com/portlandphotographer/

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A few random articles:

Oldest African American Couple (as of February 2010) - married May 13, 1924

Submission In Marriage. What It Is and What It Isn't.

Dating Days

Today is the beginning of Courtney's Completing Him Summer Challenge.

The challenge today is to go back to our dating days and do something that would remind my husband of the "youthful wife I once was" (wow - I hope it won't be that hard granted we got married only 2 years ago - lol)

Our dating started slowly and progressed rapidly. Bryan and I met through our ministry (http://www.metroministries.org/) in 2004 in Summer Camp. I was on staff and Bryan has been coming for years to camp as a volunteer. I came over to the boys' side to relay a message... and I can't even remember what the deal was but I remember thinking, "How dare he talk to me like that?" I did not like that man.

Bryan came to our internship the year after in 2005 and stayed on staff. We were both in the same training to become team leaders for our Sidewalk Sunday School ministry. I think that was the time when we both started to let go of our judgmental and negative thoughts toward each other (oh yes, I later found out that our camp dislike was mutual). As we got to know each other better we gained more respect for each other. When we became leaders, our offices were next to each other and so... we talked once in a while.

In 2007 Bryan got transferred to another team and with the new team came the new assignment to our Preschool Class on Saturdays (guess who was in there?). We had lunch once and after a while they became a Saturday tradition. We both enjoyed those times. As that semester was coming to a close, both of us were getting ready to leave on extended vacations. Bryan was going to the Philippines and I was welcoming my mom for the first time into United States. We were going to be apart from each other for most of the summer. Bryan wanted to tell me how he felt about me and so Monday morning June 25th, 2007 we met for breakfast. I don't remember Bryan actually telling me that he liked me (I am sure he might have eluded to that at some point in the conversation) - so for me nothing was changing. We were good friends - that's all. For Bryan, however, that day became the day he fell in love with me and realized that he wanted to pursue me for marriage.

(the day Bryan fell in love with me - June 25th is now Red Polka Dot Day in our family)

We had breakfast and in a few days left for our vacations. As we spent long four weeks away from each other, I realized how attached I have become and how much I missed him.

We started dating in August.

(our first official dating photo - September 3rd, 2007)

For New Year's I flew to Arizona to meet Bryan's family.

(visiting Bryan's family in Arizona for the first time - Grand Canyon)

As I look back to our dating days, I am realizing how much we sought to please each other. Everything we did was geared towards serving and loving. We spent every available moment together.

We walked... a lot!

For our first Valentine's Day I made Bryan a nice breakfast (yes - these are heart-shaped pancakes on the picture) in the morning...

... and in the evening Bryan treated me to an exquisite meal.

We had a great time - and I loved dating him. He was the most wonderful person to be with.

As the reality of marriage settled in, I wondered what happened. I no longer had the butterflies. I blamed Bryan for many things that he could have been doing better. I was often frustrated and annoyed.

Until

I realized

This has NOTHING to do with my husband!!!

I was the one who had changed. It was no longer enough for me to simply hear, "I love you". It was no longer enough to keep getting flowers. I wanted more. I wanted him to pick up his socks off the floor and put them into the laundry hamper. I wanted him to make more money. I wanted him to be more responsible. I wanted him to read my mind and know exactly which mood I was in. I wanted him to want to do the dishes (mainly because I didn't). Somehow I held him to a much higher standard now in our marriage than I did during our dating days... when just being with him was enough.

So... What's Next??

My next step was letting go of unrealistic expectations and simply enjoying our marriage. It worked for me. I may still sometimes get frustrated - but I am sure he has as many reasons (if not more) to be frustrated with me. God did not call me to be right. God called me to serve and love. And this is what I am resolving to do.

We went to Central Park today and took "couple pictures" - just like when we first started dating. And then we walked to Times Square. Just walking and talking and simply enjoying each other.

Think today: Do you have unspoken or unrealistic expectations of your spouse?

Completing Him Summer Challenge

I am busy... so busy...

Sidewalk Sunday School semester leaves me drained by the end of the day. Oh don't get me wrong - it's a great drained, knowing that your busy hours and hectic schedule are making eternal difference by pointing people to our Savior.

And yet... It's easy to leave the very people who are most important to you out of the equation. It's easy to serve everyone else around you... but your husband.


This is why I have decided to participate in Courtney's Completing Him Summer Challenge. Hop on over to see what it's all about. And if you're married - let's do this together!