Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Would I Want To Forget?

The Little One is turning 10 months next week.  I (Helen) have had this post saved in drafts for almost a year now.  I wrote it before she was born.  I just couldn't bring myself to share it.  Couldn't bring myself to peel the bandage for fear that it is still too raw.  Wondered what would happen if I just put it out there?

So many things have happened since this post was written.
1) We got blessed with a beautiful daughter (a.k.a. The Little One).
2) We went to Belarus for like ever (i.e. 3.5 months) - and now that we're back in the States again - I miss my mom terribly.
3) I have graduated with honors and am now proudly putting "Bachelors degree" on my resume.
4) Oh yeah - about a resume - for those of you who didn't know (even though many of you who read this blog also follow our adventures on facebook so you're in the loop) - after 10 amazing years as a full-time staff at Metro Ministries I have chosen to resign and stay on as a volunteer.
5) This change also means that I have a different job now - as of today I am officially employed by Starbucks (and 'yes' I love you but 'no' please don't ask me for free stuff when you come see me at work).
6) Our family will still continue to minister at our Sidewalk Sunday School site in Queens (on a voluntary basis).

Now that you're somewhat updated... allow me to take you back to November 2011.  My reason for finally posting this is that it may bring healing to someone else's raw places. So (holding my breath) here it goes:

As I am counting down to the final days (or possibly even hours) up to her arrival - I must look back at the journey that I took to get here.  

All throughout my pregnancy I was wondering whether I would ever forget...  

Forget how it feels like being empty...  Forget what it feels like going through dozens of pregnancy tests and still getting the same negative result...  Forget what it feels like convincing myself that I am no less a woman...    Forget what it felt like fighting to still have hope...

I was also wondering if I could ever forget what it felt like to know that the little one who once lived inside of me lives no more... what it felt like asking God for answers and explanations... what it felt like not knowing why...

Though most people want to forget their painful experiences (as sometimes they should) - some of our pain should not be forgotten.  There're precious lessons we learn in the midst of our pain.  And our previous losses make us ever so grateful for the current blessings.  How dare I forget the perfect joy I experienced once my current pregnancy went over the week when I lost my previous one?  How dare I forget the overwhelming gratitude that flooded my soul every time I realized the Little One was still there - inside of me?

I remember not being able to write any more.  Tears streaming down my face.  Tears of joy mixed with tears of sorrow.  Tears of hope mixed with tears of sadness.

I do not know your journey.  I do not know what you are going through or have gone through or will go through.  But these 2 things I do know.

1.  I never want to allow painful experiences to shape my view of God, the world, and people around me.  For a man's vision is always distorted in the darkness.

2.  I never want to forget my journey... if for no other reason but to be able to connect with those who are struggling still.

Do not be afraid to be vulnerable.  Do not be afraid to reach out.  You never know who needs to know that they are not the only ones struggling today.

4 comments:

Toye olutola said...

great stuff!

lazioman.blogspot.com

Toye olutola said...

great piece!

lazioman.blogspot.com

Ferdi van den Bergh said...

wow - this is not a blogpost to read on the job...
thanks Helen -for being so open and honnest. I know it will touch the heart and (as you call it) raw places.

Ferdi van den Bergh said...

wow - this is not a blogpost to read on the job...
thanks Helen -for being so open and honnest. I know it will touch the heart and (as you call it) raw places.

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